Remembering Samuel

It's been a year now since Samuel was born....still.

Some moments still choke me with tears welling up.  My arms are empty.  My milk is dry.

There's an empty spot in my heart.

And yet I am rich with an experience. Although short, it was bitter-sweet to have Samuel growing and then lingering within my womb.  I longed for the fluttering, the kicks to mama that said "I'm okay".  I could only identify one kick that I knew was definitely him.  Just one strong flutter to mama.  But that memory is a gift he gave me.  Something from my little boy to the mama that carried him. 


Today we remember (as we do all the other days, too).  You are loved and missed by your whole family.

Released

From my sisters house we look out to this head.  To me, it is one of the unique geographical features that make the eastcoast so different from the west.  I love it.

So, it seemed an appropriate place for the family to release Samuel's ashes, before we leave Cape Breton.  This is the place where he was conceived.  The place he lived within my womb.  The only place I ever felt him kick (just one precious kick I have to treasure in my heart and memory), the place where he died, and was born.  His entire little life was lived here, and so that is where we released him.

It was a few months ago that I brought up the idea to Everette about us releasing his ashes here.  It was a day I realized that I would be 'upset' if the urn was knocked over and the ashes spilled, having to be swept or vacuumed up, and I thought how disrespectful that seemed (to me).  I knew I didn't want to be worrying about this little urn, what the children might do to it.  After all, I know that my son is not in that urn.  His spirit lives on, without restrictions.  But what remains of his earthly body, ashes to ashes, I wanted to respect, but never to idolize them.  And so, as a family, on the day I've chosen to celebrate the beginning of his life (conception), we chose to each release him. 

Of course, most of us cried.  He was our son, our brother, our dream, our flesh.  He will be forever remembered.

Samuel Xavier Douglas Johnson 2009

Celebrating Life

We can't help it. We try to eat healthy, but we haven't settled on something healthy to eat when we are celebrating. And with a bigger-than-average-sized family, we seem to always have something to celebrate. Or we can easily find something to celebrate. And we usually use Chocolate.



This has been a more difficult-than-average week for us with the loss of Samuel, but we are more than conquerors through Yeshua who gives us strength. So we're moving on.





We decided to have a bit of a celebration in memory of Samuel and the other sons we have lost through miscarriage. So, instead of focusing on our feelings of loss, and the moments we don't get to share with them here on earth, we celebrate that we know they are safe and whole and happy in heaven. They are in the constant presence of the Lord, worshiping in spirit and truth for eternity, and they are anxiously awaiting their big family's arrival someday on The Other Side.




Everette lit one candle for each of our precious little ones. Aarin (1988), Adam (2001), Nicky (2003), Sebastian (2009), Samuel (2009). And Toveli suggested that Mom & Dad blew the candles out since "you're the ones who had them."

On the fridge behind Maret's head you can see some notes she made. One says "Sammy is Alive with God" and the other says "God is with Sammy".



Now, we're getting prepped to celebrate Layne's 23rd and Danaka's 13th birthdays early before Layne heads back to BC. This time it's the world's best mixture of (not healthy-but really yummy) chocolate and cheesecake! Nothing compares!!

Question for You: What's your favorite dessert to have for family celebrations?

Our Son Samuel

His heart beat but a little while,



his body filled my womb for weeks longer.



Today he was born into my hands



Little but precious



Born still, but still born.



Samuel Xavier Douglas Johnson


Though my womb and hands are empty of him


My heart is full from him.